


The Contents of His Breeches

by 5ofSpades



Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-19
Updated: 2014-03-19
Packaged: 2018-01-16 08:25:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1338682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5ofSpades/pseuds/5ofSpades
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill to asscreed kinkmeme prompt, on the speculation of the contents of a certain Assassin's Breeches</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Contents of His Breeches

**The Contents of His Breeches**

Ezio Auditore da Firenze as The Assassin  
Claudia Auditore da Firenze as the Madonna of the Rose in Fiore and The Assassin’s Sister  
Maria Auditore as The Assassin and Claudia’s Mother  
Various Fair Women of Roma as the Courtesans  
Various Able Bodied Men of Roma as the City Guards  
Various People as the Citizenry of Roma  
Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci as Himself, a Renaissance Man  
Gian Giacomo Caprotti da Oreno as Salai, an Assistant to Leonardo

 

**Act 1:**  
 _Curtains Lift to a street in Roma, various Courtesans on stage, enters the Assassin from stage left._

Courtesan 1: … and that ugly cazzo did not even pay in full! If you don’t have the gold, don’t complain about the service!

Courtesan 2: Truly the quality of men and their purses these days, even after so much new money flowed through Roma.

_They notice the Assassin._

Courtesan 3: Oh, speaking of a high quality man with a plump purse! It is that white hooded stranger again.

The Assassin looks around for guards, seeing none, climbs, exits stage right via rooftops.

Courtesan 3: How dreamy! Look at that strength, that physique, that finely sculpted posteriore! I wonder if what’s inside those breeches matches what’s outside of it.

Courtesan 1: Oh, so you do not know either?

Courtesan 3: What do you mean?

Courtesan 2: Well, the fact is, I don’t think any of us have ever seen what’s inside of those breeches…

Courtesan 1: … Despite the number of times he has generously left his coins with us.

Courtesan 3: Now that I think about it, t’is true. He has only ever hired me to walk with him. I did get to feel up his muscular arms during one of those walks though.

Courtesan 1: And he has only hired Carlina and myself to flirt with the guards. And I never see him after we start the flirting. He always disappears!

Courtesan 3: A very strange character indeed. Why pay the full service fee without getting the full service?

Courtesan 1: He does not look to be a celibate person.

Courtesan 2: Perhaps he has a true love somewhere that he returns to?

Courtesan 1: He does not look to be the type to devote himself to a singular flower either.

Courtesan 2: Poor soul, perhaps his years have caught up with him? For however handsome he is, he is a bit old.

Courtesan 1: Or maybe after so many flowers plucked, he is now plagued by warts or poxes down there. 

Courtesan 2: But why would he ask us to flirt with the guards? That won’t cure him of venereal diseases. 

Courtesan 3: Well some men have strange tastes and fetishes, my girl. Once you’ve met as many men as myself, you would understand.

Courtesan 1: And he always hides one hand under that cape of his. Do you think he disappears off to a corner to touch himself while watching us charm the guards?

Courtesan 3: Ewww, please, do not ruin my fantasies of that man. All we need to know is that his purse is filled with coins, and he opens that up to us freely, unlike his breeches.

Courtesan 2: Still, one wonders…

_The Courtesans see potential customers and chase after, exit stage right, lights dim, curtains drop._

***

**Act 2:**

_Curtains Lift to a room, the Assassin, his elderly mother, and his sister are on stage._

Maria: … I understand that you have much more responsibilities now, even more than before. But do consider what I’ve told you.

Ezio: I will Madre, but right now cleansing Roma of the Borgia stain is far more important than any personal matters. You must understand. 

Maria: I do. But do think of yourself and your family once in a while. At least do visit more often.

Ezio: I will. I love you Madre. You too Claudia.

_The Assassin exits stage left._

Claudia: Oh empty words.

Maria: Oh Claudia, I’m sure your brother is doing his best to look after both his family and his duties. But such heavy duties.

Claudia: Oh Madre. At least take heart that the Borgia bastardi have been almost completely chased out of Roma. Maybe then Ezio will turn his ears toward your wishes.

Maria: I could only hope. It would bring me much happiness to see him settle down and reinvigorate the Auditore line. Do you know of any ladies your brother is particularly close to of recent, Claudia?

Claudia: Well, there was his friend Rosa from Venezia, who settled down with Ugo. So that came to nothing. Then the Lady Caterina Sforza, who is married with many children. I have not heard that any of these children are Ezio’s. And believe me, I would have heard if they were. 

You’d think for the skirt chaser that he was, my brother would have many more lady friends than this. And it is not just a lack of long-term relationships. I’ve not noticed any one night passions he might have partook of recent either. He only looks at my girls, but not touching any of them.

Maria: I hope all the wounds he has taken have not affected him physically somehow.

Claudia: I wonder. I did try slipping him various herbs in his tea and leaving him with some of my girls. Nothing came of it. Fifteen, nay, five years ago he wouldn’t have been able to keep his hands off them, herbs or no herbs. Madre do not frown at me, it was for his own good. 

Maria: Remembering how he was in his boyhood days only serves to remind me how much more mature and responsible he is now. But it still saddens me to see him alone, when most men his age would have many children by now. Legitimate children, I mean.

Claudia: Well, if I have any illegitimate nipoti running about, I haven’t found them yet. Not from lack of searching on my part either.

Maria: Talking of children and families, have you found anyone special yet, Claudia?

Claudia: I just remembered there is something I urgently needed to attend to hours ago! See you later Madre.

_Claudia exists stage left._

_Maria Auditore sighs heavily, exits stage left, lights dim, curtains drop._

**

**Act 3:**  
 _  
Curtains Lift to a street in Roma, The Assassin and various Guards are on stage._

_They fight. The Assassin dispatches all the Guards._

_The Assassin is the last one standing but wounded, lights dim, curtains drop.  
_

**

**Act 4:**

_Curtains Lift to a room, Leonardo da Vinci and the Madonna of the Rose in Fiore are on stage._

Leonardo: Claudia! What a most delightful and unexpected visitor! How may I help you? Tea? Cakes? Wait, let me clean off this bench.

Claudia: Oh Leonardo, no need for such formalities. Do not trouble your assistants so much for my sake. And yes, I have some questions that I hope you could advise me on.

Leonardo: I am all ears. Ah thank you Salai. Signorina, your tea? Some cakes?

Claudia: Leonardo, you are too kind. The truth is, I am worried about my brother.

Leonardo: Ezio? Is something the matter? Does something ill him? Does he need anything that he won’t say himself?

Claudia: I hope that is not the case. It is just that, I’ve tried everything I know from my new profession, and I have consulted with various doctors, all to no avail. And then I thought of you, you who is the brightest mind in all of Italia, and thought you might have the answers.

Leonardo: Doctors? Your new profession?

Claudia: I have heard from Ezio that you’ve studied human anatomy extensively? I take it that you have a great understanding of male anatomy and all its workings?

Leonardo: I have dabble in male anatomy for a long time, yes. 

Claudia: Then, you know, what about down there?

Leonardo: Down where?

Claudia: There, in the breeches, those family jewels, the mighty sword! That firm pillar of manhood!

Leonardo: Well I…

Claudia: And I know Ezio comes to you to patch himself up from time to time. Did you ever notice anything amiss with him?

Leonardo: Well…

Claudia: It is just that. For all the skirt chasing Ezio had done before, he has been uncharacteristically quiet on that front for the recent few years. Years Leonardo! 

There are rumours, rumours ranging from unfortunate injury to venereal diseases to premature aging. Did you notice anything of that sort the last time you removed his pants?

_Leonardo, face now a furious red, drops his tea cup and saucer._

_Enters The Assassin from stage right, in plain clothes with part of his shirt front open, dishevelled from sleep and walking with a slight limp. There are bandages around his abdomen for a recent stab wound, but they are covered by his shirt._

Ezio: Leonardo, what’s with the ruckus? It is not the Borgia guards is it? Claudia?!

Claudia: Oh nothing is the matter brother! Just paying our good friend a visit.

Leonardo: Yes, yes, nothing is the matter Ezio. I was just being clumsy. I will clean this up and get some tea for you and a new cup for myself. Yes.

_Leonardo exists stage right, blushing and clearly flustered._

Claudia gives The Assassin, his limp, dishevelled appearance, and the retreating Leonardo a long meaningful look.

Claudia: So brother, long time no see, again.

Ezio: Well your brother was busy. But good to see you, Claudia.

Claudia: I can see that, busy indeed. Good to find you in good health, brother.

_Lights dim, curtains drop._

**

**Act 5:**

_Curtains Lift to a street in Roma, The Assassin and Leonardo da Vinci are on stage, sitting on a bench._

Leonardo: You look troubled mio amico. Are the Templars at their sinister machinations again?

Ezio: For once no old friend. It is these rumours. They don’t stop, and get stranger by the day. 

Words going around the streets of Roma are saying that I am impotent, or unsexed by a stray blade, plagued by terrible venereal diseases, disabled by old age, secretly a voyeuristic pervert, swinging for the other team. What other team? I will always remain true to the Brotherhood! None of these wild distortions of my character and health are true! And none of them anyone’s business! But still these baseless speculations circulate. Even my own Sister has been giving me strange looks. I don’t get it.

Leonardo (mutters under his breath): For once I hope I didn’t get it either, but alas. 

Leonardo (To Ezio): Perhaps it is strange to them to see such a famous ladies’ man abstain himself from all the fair maidens of Roma.

Ezio: I am no longer a young man, and the wild dalliances of my earlier days no longer hold the same appeal to me. And you of all people should know how I have little time and energy left after fighting the Borgias, destroying their war machines, recovering from wounds and injuries, managing the Brotherhood, training new recruits, and visiting friends and family.

No, do not look so sad Leonardo. My friends and family have been great help and support throughout my days, and your help the most valuable of them all. I would not exchange anything for the times spent with you.

Leonardo: Then let this friend help lighten the load on your shoulders for a while. Care to drop by my workshop for some dinner and rest, while I check over your equipments?

Ezio: Lead the way, old friend.

_The Assassin and Leonardo da Vinci stand up, exit stage left, lights dim, curtains drop._

**The End**

**

Now imagine the whole Renai Circulation video with Leonardo and Ezio, imagine it.


End file.
